Holding the Pain Without Letting It Break Us
Some days, it feels like the world is spinning in the wrong direction. Experiencing conflict, distrust, and reactive defensiveness—can be absolutely exhausting. If you've ever felt like screaming at the unfairness of it all or shutting down completely because it just feels too overwhelming, you are not alone. I believe action is important, but my focus here is on helping us manage what is coming up—so we can engage in action in a way that feels right for us.
You might experience this in your connection with the world right now, your personal relationships, or both.
The truth is, this pain is real. We must allow ourselves to feel it and find a way to move through it. But more importantly, we need to navigate it in a way that strengthens us rather than diminishes us. That’s not always easy. I know. If we let despair take over, we stop showing up. I don’t want to let that happen—to me or you. So I keep searching for ways to move forward, and I invite those interested to try the same experiment.
Navigating Anger Without Letting It Control Us
Anger is a natural response when something deeply matters to us. But if it takes over completely, it can drain us, making it harder to channel that energy into meaningful action. Burnout can set in, leading to inaction—the very opposite of what we need to create lasting change.
1. What Is It About This That Hurts So Much?
Before reacting, I try to ask myself:
What is it that is upsetting me?
Is it fear? Disappointment? Grief over something not being what I hoped?
Is it a sense of powerlessness?
Anger often masks deeper emotions. And when we name what’s underneath, we start to regain control. Below is an example of what this may look like……under anger is usually sadness or fear.
Active Dialogue: Connecting with the Inner Self
Imagine sitting with the part of you that feels lost, sad, or scared. If you could have a conversation with this part, what would it say? Here’s an example of how you might connect:
You: “I see you. You’re hurting. Tell me what’s really going on.”
Inner Self: “I feel helpless. Like nothing I do matters. Like I’m screaming into the void.”
You: “That makes so much sense. I know it's painful (etc). Let's take a breath for a moment, refocus”
Inner Self: “I just want things to be different. I don’t know how to fix it.”
You: “I don’t either, but I know we’re not alone in this. What would help you feel even a little safer right now?”
This isn’t about finding an immediate solution. It’s about making space for what’s there, without judgment.
2. The Shadow Side
We all have a “shadow” side—the part of us that we push away, the thoughts and emotions we don’t want to admit we have.
When I look at someone behaving in a way that makes my blood boil, I notice this voice in my head saying, “How could they be so selfish? So critical?” "What that's a lie!" - (So after the above, step) But when I sit with it longer, I realize what’s happening. It’s not just about them—it’s also about what this triggers inside me. Maybe it’s my fear of being powerless. Maybe it’s an old wound from the past resurfacing. Maybe it’s touching something I work so hard to avoid in myself.
This doesn’t mean I excuse their behavior. Our shadow side—the parts we reject or ignore—shapes our reactions more than we realize. When we feel intense anger or frustration toward someone, it’s worth asking: What is this bringing up in me? Again, this isn’t about excusing harm but understanding our own triggers so we can respond with intention rather than being ruled by emotion.
If we don’t explore this, we risk getting stuck in reactivity—consumed by anger, drained by resentment, and disconnected. Neurologically, chronic stress and emotional suppression activate the amygdala, keeping us in a fight-or-flight state, making communication harder and weakening the immune system. Over time, this tension can manifest in physical symptoms like fatigue, headaches, or digestive issues.
But when we make space for these feelings and acknowledge what’s beneath them, we calm the nervous system, improve emotional regulation, and create space for better connection (applying this to personal relationships). We shift from powerlessness to agency, learning to hold both truth and compassion, building resilience, awareness, and maybe more room for emotional freedom.
3. What Can We Control?
The world or people won’t change just because we want it to. But we can change how we engage with it. I ask myself:
Where does my energy make the biggest impact?
Am I using my energy to create or to fight?
How can I take care of myself so I don’t burn out?
4. Releasing the Need to Change Others
One of the hardest truths to accept is that some people won’t change. No matter how much logic, proof, or emotion we throw at them, they will stay rooted in their beliefs.
But here’s what I keep reminding myself: I don’t have to carry that weight. I don’t have to lose myself trying to wake up those who refuse to see. Instead, I can focus on expanding truth and wisdom where it will be received.
Instead of:
“Why don’t they care?” → I ask: “Who is ready to listen?”
“They need to change.” → I shift to: “How can I live in a way that reflects the world I want to see?”
“They have all the power.” → I remind myself: “What small thing can I do today that is within my control?”
“They always win.” → I ask: “What values do I refuse to compromise, no matter what?”
“I’m powerless.” → I affirm: “I can always choose how I respond, and that is power.”
6. A Ritual to Let Go and Refocus Energy
Holding onto anger can feel like carrying a heavy stone. I have learned that ritual is a powerful way to release and redirect my energy. My process involves three things: breath, art, and movement. I believe taking productive action is important, but here, I’m focusing on how to manage our emotions so we can take action effectively.
I write down everything that’s been weighing on me—giving it a beginning, middle, and end.
I have a conversation with my inner self, acknowledging the emotions instead of suppressing them.
I use visualization to let go of what I cannot change. Research shows that imagining an action creates neurological changes similar to actually doing it. Writing does the same—it externalizes the burden so our mind stops ruminating.
I engage in movement—whether through stretching, walking, or shaking off the tension in my body.
This practice helps remind me: I can release what no longer serves me, and I can focus on what I can change.
Words of Reflection
Our emotions are valid. Our frustration is real. But we don’t have to carry it alone.
Let’s find ways to channel our energy into what feeds us, not what drains us. Let’s turn anger into wisdom, exhaustion into clarity, and despair into meaningful action.
Mantra for Moving Forward:
“I release the need to change those who refuse to see. My power is in action, not exhaustion.”
I let go of the urge to change those who are not ready to grow. My strength lies in my choices, not in my struggle.
"I choose to be a lighthouse, standing strong in my truth, rather than losing myself in the storm of others’ resistance.
The world needs more clear, wise, and steady people. I know you are capable of being that, just as I am working to be.