From Reacting to Relating: How to Communicate from the Inside Out

“You Always Do This!” – When Certainty Hurts More Than It Helps in Relationships

In politics, we often see people shouting their “truth” with unwavering certainty. But the same thing happens every day in relationships—just with quieter voices and familiar faces.

Have you ever said (or thought):

• “You always twist my words.

• ”You never listen.

• “You’re just trying to win.”

  
  

These phrases sound like facts in the moment—but they’re not. They’re emotional truths spoken from a place of fear or frustration. And while they may feel true, they usually come from a part of us that’s trying to protect something vulnerable inside.

Why We Cling to Certainty

When you’re feeling unheard, rejected, or overwhelmed in a relationship, certainty becomes a shield.

• “I know what you meant.”

• “I know how this ends.”

• “I know you don’t really care.”

  
  

That kind of certainty protects us from disappointment—but it also blocks connection. It hardens us into roles. One person becomes the “villain,” the other the “victim,” and the cycle repeats.

What’s Really Going On

Beneath every “you always” is usually a softer truth:

“I feel hurt and I don’t know how to say it.”

“I’m afraid you’ll never really see me.

“I miss feeling safe with you.”

But those deeper truths require vulnerability. And vulnerability isn’t easy when your nervous system is activated and you’re trying to survive the moment.

A Simple Shift: Curiosity Instead of Contempt

The same skill we need in political conversations—curiosity—can transform our relationships too.

Instead of, “You never understand me,” try:“

• Can I share something I don’t know how to say?”

Instead of, “You’re just trying to be right,” try:

• “Is there a part of you that’s feeling defensive too?”

  
  

These kinds of questions create space for connection instead of blame.

The Strongest Thing You Can Do in Conflict? Soften.

Real strength in a relationship is staying grounded when your old wounds want to take over. It’s being able to say:

“I’m upset, but I want to understand what’s happening beneath this.

• “I’m not your enemy, even when we’re hurt.”

When couples can recognize the emotional parts driving the argument, they shift from proving a point to protecting the relationship.

And that’s where real healing begins.

True connection in communication starts when we shift the focus inward before we speak. In Internal Family Systems (IFS), we call this the U-Turn—pausing to notice what part of us is activated, what it’s feeling, and what it’s protecting.

Instead of launching into blame or defense, we take a moment to reflect:

• “What’s happening inside me right now?” 

  
  

This creates space for authentic communication—where we speak from self-awareness, not reactivity. Rather than just addressing surface behavior, we begin to share from the deeper layers:

“A part of me felt rejected when that happened,” or

“I noticed I shut down, and I want to stay connected.” 

This kind of emotional honesty invites our partner into our inner world—and creates a bridge that blame never can.