During the holidays, I often hear from clients, friends, and family members about how triggering family gatherings can be. It’s not uncommon to hear about people distancing themselves or putting up firm boundaries with their family to protect their peace. These stories make sense; boundaries are healthy and necessary, and I would never suggest otherwise. But there’s another side of the story that rarely gets talked about: what happens when you are the person someone has set boundaries with? What happens when a family member doesn’t want to spend time with you, blocks you, or cuts you out? How do you navigate being the “problem” in someone else’s narrative?
This is a deeply painful and often isolating experience. It brings up shame, guilt, and confusion, yet it’s rarely discussed openly. Our protector parts—the ones in us that want to defend, justify, or push back—spring into high action. After all, no one likes to see themselves as the “bad guy” in a relationship. It’s particularly excruciating for parents, who often carry a deep desire to love and protect their children. When a child cuts off contact or sets firm boundaries, it can feel like the worst imaginable rejection.
Why This Happens
Parents, like all humans, are flawed. Many of us enter parenthood determined to do better than our own parents. We read books, make plans, and try our hardest to give our children what we didn’t have. But even with the best intentions, life happens. Our own unresolved pain, hardships, or limited emotional resources can lead us to unintentionally hurt our children. Most parents are doing the best they can, but doing your best doesn’t erase the impact of pain caused—even unintentional pain.
When children try to share this pain with their parents, it’s often met with deflection, defensiveness, or explanations. I hear this daily from clients: “I tried to tell my mom how I felt, and she just said, ‘I did my best, why can’t you see that?’” Or, “When I told my dad how much it hurt me, he got angry and said I was ungrateful” When our actions conflict with our values, we experience cognitive dissonance. To resolve this discomfort, we use self-serving narratives that absolve us of blame. For instance, saying, “I didn’t mean to hurt them, so they’re overreacting” allows us to preserve a positive self-image while avoiding the discomfort of vulnerability and shame—an automatic, often unconscious neurological defense. Similarly, some parents may deflect by shifting into self-loathing, repeatedly stating, “I know I’m horrible,” while crying, which paradoxically centers their feelings and diverts attention from the other person’s pain. While this reaction comes from deep pain, it can unintentionally shift the focus onto themselves rather than supporting their child’s healing. Some parents may struggle to change or recognize their child’s pain due to various factors, which I discuss later in the article. However, if you’re reading this and feel remorse or a desire to reconnect with your child, I believe you care deeply. Often, these reactions come from protector parts stepping in to shield parents from overwhelming guilt or shame about unintentionally causing harm. For parents who genuinely want to build a stronger connection with their children, I believe healing and growth are possible and I'm hopeful.
Why It’s Hard to Listen
Hearing that you’ve caused someone pain, especially your own child, can feel unbearable!! For some parents, it’s so devastating that it triggers thoughts of self-loathing or hopelessness. Shame—the feeling that you’re inherently bad or unworthy—can become paralyzing. In an effort to escape that shame, parents may defend themselves, justify their actions, or even shut down emotionally. These protective responses make it nearly impossible to hold space for the child’s pain. The brain is wired to prioritize safety and survival. When we experience uncomfortable feelings like shame, guilt, or fear, the amygdala interprets them as threats. This triggers a fight-or-flight response, flooding the body with stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. These physiological changes make it harder to think clearly or process emotions effectively.
Recent research has shown that some people may have an impaired ability to feel both physical and emotional pain. This condition affects how the brain processes and learns from negative experiences, essentially "resetting" to its original patterns instead of adapting. This might help explain why certain individuals struggle to recognize or empathize with their child’s pain or see perspectives other than their own. While this could be an entire topic on its own, it highlights the complexity of human behavior and the barriers to emotional growth and connection. I have an ebook or a course about this topic as it's very interesting to explore the depths of biases and biological adaptions.
I'll say a little here though as it's too complicated to discuss in a single post! Our ability to empathize with others can be significantly influenced by biological, psychological, and environmental factors. Neurologically, the brain’s default fight-or-flight response, triggered by the amygdala, often overrides the reflective, empathetic capacities of the prefrontal cortex in moments of perceived threat. This response is heightened by emotions like shame and guilt, which activate self-protective mechanisms, such as anger or defensiveness, to shield us from emotional pain. On a biological level, some individuals may experience reduced connectivity in brain regions responsible for empathy, while factors like chronic stress, insecure attachment styles, or unresolved trauma further impede emotional connection. Additionally, cultural pressures—such as perfectionism or societal norms discouraging vulnerability—can deepen this disconnect, making it harder to see others’ perspectives.
Recognizing these barriers helps us understand why empathy falters, offering insight into how we might overcome these challenges to foster healthier, more connected relationships. Humans are naturally averse to pain, both physical and emotional. Feelings like shame, guilt, or sadness can be overwhelming because they challenge our sense of self-worth or security. To protect ourselves, we develop psychological defenses, such as denial, rationalization, or projection, to deflect the discomfort. Many people are not taught how to recognize, label, or process emotions effectively. Without these skills, uncomfortable feelings can feel unmanageable or even alien.
The Role of Shame
Shame is one of the most difficult emotions to process because it attacks our core sense of self. Unlike guilt, which focuses on a specific action (“I did something wrong”), shame tells us that we are inherently flawed (“I am wrong”). This deeply ingrained fear of being unworthy or rejected makes it particularly hard for humans to confront and work through uncomfortable emotions.
But here’s the truth: even if you did your best, even if you were a good parent, you may still have caused pain. That doesn’t negate your worth or the love you gave. What’s needed in these moments is not perfection or self-punishment but a willingness to listen and acknowledge the impact of your actions. True healing begins when parents can hear their child’s pain without making it about their own guilt or defensiveness.
Reflective Questions for Parents
When faced with these conversations, it’s helpful to pause and reflect. Here are some questions to guide you:
In this context, "parts" refer to the different aspects of our inner selves that hold specific feelings, beliefs, or roles. For example, a parent might have a part that feels deep shame about causing pain and another part that becomes defensive to protect against that shame. Recognizing these parts helps us approach our reactions with curiosity and compassion.
What part of me feels triggered when I hear my child’s pain?
What is this part trying to protect me from?
Am I listening to understand, or am I listening to defend myself?
Can I acknowledge their feelings without justifying my actions?
How can I create space for both their pain and my own self-compassion?
Reflective Questions for Self-Healing
To deepen your self-awareness and healing, here are a few additional questions to meditate on:
What would it feel like to truly listen to my child’s pain without defending myself? Even those parts that feel anger towards your child too.
Are there parts of me that feel unworthy or ashamed when I reflect on my parenting? How can I offer compassion to those parts?
What lessons can I learn from my mistakes, and how can they shape the way I show up in relationships moving forward?
Can I hold space for both my child’s pain and my own growth without judgment?
What would self-forgiveness look like for me, and how can I practice it daily?
Moving Toward Healing
Start with Self-Forgiveness Parents need to do their own healing work. Self-forgiveness doesn’t mean excusing harmful behavior but acknowledging that you’re human, you made mistakes, and you’re capable of growth. You can be a good person and still have caused pain. This paradox is key to true change.
Say “I’m Sorry” with an Open Heart Apologies should be about the child’s pain, not your guilt. Avoid turning the focus back to yourself with statements like, “I’m such a horrible parent.” Instead, say something like, “I’m so sorry that I hurt you. I’m listening and I want to understand.” Simple, heartfelt, and focused on them.
Understand Intergenerational Pain Many parents carry unresolved wounds from their own upbringing. Acknowledging how those patterns may have shaped your parenting can be transformative. This isn’t about blame but about understanding and breaking the cycle.
Focus on Listening, Not Fixing Often, children don’t need solutions; they just need to feel heard. Avoid jumping to explanations or defending your intentions. Simply validating their feelings can be profoundly healing.
Empower Yourself Through Growth Believing that you can be a decent person who learns and grows from this experience can shift your perspective. Instead of victimizing yourself, embrace the opportunity to show up differently for your child and others. This self-empowerment allows for deeper self-love and forgiveness, which is far more healing than being stuck in feelings of unjust accusation or shame.
My Personal Reflection
I understand how incredibly hard it is because I’ve been there. As a parent, I’ve faced moments of deep pain when my own child needed space from me. It’s one of the most difficult things I’ve ever experienced, and it brought up all kinds of emotions—shame, guilt, and confusion. I had to sit with the realization that, despite my intentions, I had caused hurt. What I’m learning is that the key isn’t to wallow in guilt (but some days I do!) but to lean into growth. I’m working on listening without defensiveness, holding space for their feelings, and forgiving myself for my imperfections. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it. This process has taught me that I can be a loving parent and a flawed human at the same time—both truths can coexist. Healing starts when we allow ourselves to acknowledge the pain we’ve caused while still holding onto the belief that we can grow and do better.
A Final Note on Shame and Growth
Society puts immense pressure on parents to be perfect, and when we fall short, we shame ourselves heavily. But shame—the belief that we are less than or unworthy—only keeps us stuck. True growth comes from holding space for both sorrow and self-compassion. You can acknowledge the pain you caused while still loving and forgiving yourself. This balance is what allows parents to genuinely say, “I’m sorry,” and mean it—without deflecting, justifying, or collapsing under guilt.
It’s rare, but when parents are willing to face their shadow aspects and learn to love themselves despite their flaws, they can approach these moments with openness and empowerment. Healing is possible when we recognize that we’re all trying our best, even when we fall short. If we can hold this mindset, we open the door to deeper connection, self-growth, and forgiveness—both for ourselves and for those we’ve hurt. Lets learn and grow.
BONUS Section:
Our Children need us to do our own healing! I can't say this enough.
Coping Strategies for Parents Navigating Strained Relationships with Their Children
Healing Yourself While They’re Not Ready
When your child isn’t ready to repair the relationship, it can feel deeply painful and isolating. During this time, it’s important to focus on your own healing and growth. Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a therapeutic approach that can help. IFS views our mind as made up of different “parts”—some that hold pain and others that try to protect us from it. By connecting with our calm, compassionate “Self” energy, we can begin to heal from within, even if the relationship remains distant for now.
Practical Ways to Heal
Recognize and Soothe Your Parts
Spend time identifying the parts of you that feel hurt or rejected. Ask them, “What do you need from me right now?”
Offer them kindness and reassurance, such as, “I’m here for you, and I’ll take care of you.” It's a gentle way of talking to yourself and self-soothing yourself
Practice Self-Compassion
Remind yourself that it’s okay to make mistakes and still be a loving parent.
Use affirmations like, “I am worthy of love and growth, even as I navigate this difficult time.”
Let Go of Control
Accept that the timeline for repair is not yours to determine. Focus instead on what you can control—your actions, responses, and emotional well-being.
Use a mantra like, “I can’t control their readiness, but I can nurture my own healing.”
Create Space for Reflection
Journal or meditate on questions like:
What does the part of me that feels rejected need to feel supported?
What can I do to nurture other areas of my life during this time?
Seek Growth Opportunities
Engage in activities that bring you joy or help you grow. This might include hobbies, volunteering, or connecting with supportive communities.
Healing yourself doesn’t mean giving up on the relationship. It means building the resilience and compassion you need to be ready when your child is ready. By tending to your inner world, you’re not only supporting yourself but also laying the foundation for a healthier connection in the future.